Happy

Sometimes I feel as though I am forever just getting through life waiting and hoping for the next best thing, planning on being happy, that I don't realize that I already am. Life isn't perfect. I don't know why I keep waiting for it to be. Maybe it's just that eternal optimist (or pessimist, depending on how you look at it) I have within me. But what life does have, in all of it's imperfection: perfect moments, perfect moments that suddenly make all the crap that EVERY single person experiences unimportant and no longer noteworthy (even if it is what you complain and talk about MOST of the time). It's that moment that the two-year-old that you've put in time out four times that day and who is trying your patience and the kindness of your humanity to the brink suddenly tells you he needs a hug and whispers he loves you in your ear. Or that moment your friend makes you feel incredibly loved by planning a swimming day knowing you miss the sun and water and he doesn't even blame you that you can't come, he loves you anyway. Or that moment you realize you've been lost in conversation with a friend for so long that the waitress of the restaurant has cleaned off your table twice in hopes you will get the hint and leave. Or the moment that boy who knows how desperately you are in love with him even if you're too prideful to admit it says the perfect thing to make you smile and happy without even knowing it. Or the moment you realize that you are so perfectly happy, no matter may be going on, you might as well blog about it because the world shouldn't miss out on the happy moments swirling around in the atmosphere. A heart can only stay heavy for so long before it either weighs you down in depression or it inspires you to find something to make it light, because there has to be something happy out there. So this post is just to remind you that being happy should be the only goal you need to obtain to be successful. Stop looking for all the reasons why life can suck and can make you want to give up and realize being happy the is the best choice, the only choice, if you really want to fulfill your purpose of being here.

Be happy, I love you.

Things left unsaid

I have a question: is it better to tell the people you love and that love you everything you think and feel? Or does it mean that if you love someone you spare them from having to deal with all your emotional crap and burdens? Is it even important enough that someone knows it broke your heart he/she didn't even bat an eye that you were crying, or is such an emotion so immature that it's one you should just keep to yourself and get over eventually? When someone loves you, doesn't it mean they want to know every single part of you? Every thought and feeling, even the irrational and stupid ones? Or when someone loves you does that mean they give you "tough love" to purposely make you feel abandoned and alone so you realize you really can handle feeling certain emotions on your own? Is it even possible to define what actions someone takes when he/she is in love? Or is being in love so individual that it really depends on the people whether they say everything or not? I guess this is turning into more of a series of questions rather than just keeping it one simple question, but I just want to know. I mean, I understand that in all relationships somethings are left unsaid...but what exactly should be said or not? If I know my feelings are irrational and potentially hurtful to the other person, do they even matter enough for me to voice them or should I just deal and move on? Or are the irrational feelings the most important because they are the oppressed feelings of the unconscious seeping through that obviously need attention? I don't know. I'm just tried of trying to follow this imaginary protocol when it comes to addressing and voicing my emotions to those around me that I love and that love me. If I suddenly feel a pang of longing at a cheesy romantic song, I want to be able to tell someone he/she is missed without fear of appearing too needy. I want to be able to tell someone I love him/ her without fearing that person is judging me as too attached and desperate. If I feel alone and sad and tired and unloved I want to be able to say that without being painted as some colossal, irrational and emotional girl who obviously doesn't know what she's talking about because she is obviously slipping up and letting her heart solely lead her reason and has most definitely lost her mind. I don't want things to be left unsaid that are slowly creating a rift between two hearts that used to know of a surety nothing needed to be left unsaid because there's no need to not tell a heart something that understands yours. And yes, sometimes it is better that things are left unsaid by words; like a thank you that is said with a gentle squeeze of the hand, or an I love you said by a lingering kiss the night you say goodbye. Not everything has to be said flat out. Obviously not. Humans are adept at ambiguity. But the moment you feel as though your emotions and thoughts lack validity and importance and that becomes the reason why you keep them to yourself, that is when it is clear too many things are being left unsaid. Silent thoughts can lead to such secret and deep hurts that you may end up resenting the one you love before he/she even has a clue there was anything amiss. But even though I realize these truths, I know that the moment I post this too long of a blog rant, that I will continue to leave important things unsaid because of my fear and my lack of want of confrontation and doubting my own thoughts and emotions as even valid or important, ever. I know it's not right, but since when have human beings always done what they know to be right? One day I hope I learn not to leave things unsaid. And when they day comes, I hope it turns out that my thoughts and feelings are actually valuable, and that those people really weren't right wanting me to leave them unsaid, because that would really suck. There's not a more eloquent way to define that.

Reasons, Timing and Original Poetry

                   So...of course, the one time my only desire was to blog and assault your eyes and mind with an epically long rant on my blog...blogspot was down. However, I realize that there was a reason for that. If I had had the opportunity to blog endlessly last night in the throws of my angsty mindset,  I wouldn't have talked and analyzed my misplaced emotions with probably the closest friend I currently have, and I wouldn't have been able to make amends with a friend who has been absent from my life for quite a while by assaulting his oddly eager ears with my emotional rant that all of you with now be spared from feeling obligated to read (though who really reads this? lol). Also, I wouldn't have taken the time to write a poem which stems from the emotional attack my mind was suffering from my heart, and my night just wouldn't have been as successful and mending to my heart as it was. So, though I was annoyed with blogspot.com, I realized that there truly is a reason and perfect timing for everything in our lives, even something as small as a blog website being down, or a welcome though unusual phone call from a friend. Anyway, I've wasted enough space with my glib sentences and thoughts and it's time to get to the heart of this post: I'm going to post my poem!

Now I'm not going to claim to have any great command of the English language that enables me to be eloquent or show any deep insight into what it means to experience this human life, though one of my favorite poets, Dickenson, seemed to be able to convey those very things in a few words, and Tennyson in a few more. But, I will say that this poem is just an insight into Brianne, and my mind. Take it as it is and I hope that it proves to provide at least a moment of entertainment for you, even if it is just to pause and laugh at my very obvious melodrama. Here we go....

When I Forget You Love Me by Brianne Ramsay

When I forget you love me
I analyze and deflect
Thinking that it's my heart
I need to protect.

When I forget you love me
All of our sweet moments cease to exist
I can't even recall
The pull of your kiss.

When I forget you love me
I strike and I bite
Forcing myself to blame you
With all of my might.

When I forget you love me
I cry in secret and hold things in
Painting you as the culprit
Of some great sin

But wait
I think I missed the point.
It's not your love I forget
But my own

When I forget I love you
It becomes only about me
Wanting to force you to change
To finally see

How I feel and suffer
What a burden you are to me
That you're supposed to by my buffer
Against all the tragedies that  be

But if I simply remember what I know
I would see I'd been incredibly low
For it shouldn't matter; whatever you do
The simple truth is:
I love you

Nothing transcends that

Paintings by Leonid Afremov

I found these awesome paintings today. I love how he's using impressionism but the texture and depth of these paintings are different than a lot things I've seen. But that might not be saying much since I'm not an expert on art, but I really love these paintings. Check them out.

Here's the link to these paintings if you want more information:

Afremov Paintings

Poem

I found this poem the other day. It's not a Shakespearian Sonnet or anything by Tennyson, but I love it's simplicity in explaining how truly distance can suck when you're not in the same place as the person you love and miss more than you'll ever let yourself admit.

Why I Hate Reading Maps By Gabriel Gadfly


I have unrolled a map
onto my kitchen table
and put one finger
where you are and
another where I am.

The space between
is only inches. That close,
I could feel you breathing.
I could reach out and
run my fingers through
every strand of your hair,
touch your lips and
barely need to move.

In the corner of the map
there is a guide for judging scale:
every inch a hundred miles
full of roads and rivers and trees,
the guide a sharp reminder
that you are where you are
and I am where I am,
inches apart.

Conversations

I talk. A lot. Ask anyone who knows me and he or she will tell you that I have the either annoying or amazing ability to keep any conversation going almost under any circumstances. I have countless conversations a day, via text messages, facebook, telephones and face to face contact. But lately I've been questioning, with my command of the English language and of conversations am I really saying anything? Do I know when to stop small talk and actually say something with meaning and importance? Is there really any way I would be able to articulate my thoughts to those around me and  have them actually hold purpose and meaning in their minds? Do my thoughts have purpose and meaning? Do people even want my thoughts bouncing around in their heads? Are my thoughts even elastic and bounce at all? Or are they more box-y and stacked nicely in neat, organized rows? Or are my thoughts like a jigsaw puzzle and a jumbled mess?
Anyway, thoughts aside, even with my talent in the conversation department, I've found in recent situations in my life that I don't even know what to say. I mean, what do you say to someone you haven't seen in two years that has hurt you beyond even what you understand? And how do you fully tell someone in every little way how much they mean to you and have completely and wholly changed you? How can you say something that lets someone know to the endless degree you love him? Are some things impossible to put into words? I mean, I love language and saying what I feel and think. But sometimes, words just aren't enough..... no matter how good you are at saying them.