Poem Again

Here's a poem I wrote about two weeks ago. A friend asked me to post another poem so here's one that doesn't suck too terribly. Sorry if I come across more angsty in my poetry than in my prose. I think poetry is supposed to work like that.

Heartache to End

You're my favorite song
A melody of sighs and passionate whispers
The void of which is making my heart begin to blister
But I'll never tell you
Even though you might miss me too

I feel alone and left
Empathizing with every tragic character who has wept
It's killing me and I want it done
But you've still been the only one
To love my heart and make it yours
Without leaving me feeling like I need to be more

This pain and heartache isn't your fault
I'm convincing myself it's my own personal emotional assault
I don't need you...
To change or bend
I just need this silent heartache to end.

There's Still a Sunset...

Today, for the first time in a long time, I watched a sunset that brought me to tears. The tears may have been in part caused by my weakened physical state from the run I was on while I watched it or by my equally weakened emotional state from lack of sleep and from several difficult adjustments/ transitions I'm in the midst of making, but no matter what state I was in, there is no person who could deny the heart-healing and breath-taking beauty of this particular sunset. I noticed it after tackling a rather difficult leg of my run. My mind was focused on my heavy breathing and my aching muscles and the want to just be at the top of the hill, when suddenly *woosh*, it all went quiet and I had to stop and appreciate what was in front of me. Just above a small, faded white house, above the green tree tops, burst pinks and oranges and warm golden yellows. The sun was just set enough that you could look at it without hurting your eyes, but not so gone that the intense and bright colors had disappeared below the horizon with it. It was all I could do to stay standing while feelings of awe, gratitude, joy, fulfillment and a sense of the bittersweet coursed through my body. Why must joyful and wonderful things always end so beautifully, like a lovely summer day? It is to make you forget it is ending? Or help you remember what was so beautiful about it in the first place? But this sunset helped me realize something. I realized that no matter how much your heart aches, or your mind spins, or the fact you seemed to be weighed down by things wherever you turn, there's still a sunset that can make you cry, there's going to be a friend who remembers how to make you laugh, there's going to be someone who never forgets how to love you, a favorite song will come on at the perfect moment, and there's still joy and beauty in the seemingly mediocre moments of everyday life.

Doubt

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. 
---Buddha

Sleep

I really don't want to sleep. I know I need to. Sleep helps me remember things, avoid headaches, and make my happy disposition authentic rather than posed. But tonight my soul feels restless, aching for me to ponder and think and reach some great epiphany, or to quit avoiding emotions I have locked away and let them permeate my being, bringing me to a point of inspiration, desperation, depression, closure, insanity, sanity, or any state other than fruitless restlessness. Or maybe I am falsely internalizing the restlessness and it is my body that feels out of step. I wouldn't blame it, I have stayed up all night the past two nights, catching random hours of sleep during the day and still trying to participate in life like a normal, well-rested human being. But I feel that this restlessness  is in my soul. It's not that anything is wrong, it's just that I feel as though I am stretching to feel and know something, but there's nothing there to grasp and fill the void or placate my heart and mind. I need something or someone. Maybe I should go write some powerful love poem, conjuring up feelings I felt more acutely and poignantly in the past and drift into a state of nostalgia and longing, eventually making my heart ache and lulling me to sleep. Or perhaps I should fill my night with completing projects I've assigned myself and greet the morning at a new level of sleep deprivation, but more importantly at a new level and sense of accomplishment. No, what I want and what I think I need tonight is another soul to keep mine company. Just someone to listen to the thoughts that jumble my brain upside-down and inside-out, and someone to understand the emotions of longing, loss, worry, hurt, anticipation, and intense that I would never dare admit feeling in the throes of bright daylight. Or maybe I have series of someones that would work, but I am longing for a specific someone. But alas, I am too frightened or simply too lazy to even wonder if there is a soul out there to keep mine company, and this blog post has accomplished my purpose in writing it as my drooping eyes are suddenly more important than my restless soul. All I know is it's frustrating and leads to a restless soul when you have an immeasurable amount of love for someone,but you're not even sure if that person desires your love anymore, so you don't give it to that person, but keep waiting for the moment you will finally be able to. Thank goodness the human body needs rest before the soul does, because if that were not the case, this blog post would be the length of a novel and I would not be contemplating who will be in my dreams tonight. And if you're up with a restless soul, go to bed. Life is always bright and beautiful in the morning.

Love

When you know and feel true love, you know and feel God. Whether it is the love that passes between the young lips of two lovers, or the love in the embrace of two friends saying goodbye, or the love in the eyes of a teacher who is unknowingly touching the heart of a student, or the love of a mother teaching her child to walk only to know it means he will one day walk away from her, or love in the smile of a stranger you pass on the street. If there is love, there is God. The two are inseparable. So if you want to know if you are in love, explore how well you know God. Knowing God is the only way you will ever be able to know true love. Love exists where heaven meets earth, soul meets body, and where heart meets heart.